Freja Beha For iPod Mini.
“Ladies and Gentleman,” Freja called out loudly to the attendees of her Fall garden party. The models and rockstars stopped conversing and turned their attention to their hostess, “I present to you a revolutionary product that will change your life,” Freja bellowed out, her hands behind her back, a sly smile punctuating her sentence, “I bring you…” she teased for effect, “THE IPOD MINI!”
Everyone was silent as Freja held up a scratched upside-down iPod. Two foreign people took pictures of her doing this, just because no one has seen a fucking picture of Freja in, like, forever. Everyone else was confused. The party was packed. Saskia, Karl, Karmen Pedaru, Abbey and, regrettably, Charlottee Free were all in attendance.
Arizona clapped amorously at her Demarkian queen and, slowly, the party followed suit.
”Why is she doing this?” Saskia de Brauw asked Arizona.
Saskia had been invited to this party as a sign that there is “no hard feelings” for her taking over Chanel from Freja. Freja was happy to learn that a Saskia de Brauw was a person and not a luxury single cup coffee maker.
Arizona continued clapping, and leaned in towards Saskia’s weird man haircut. She whispered, “Freja has a lot of free time so she’s gotten really into eBay. She’s very proud of her purchases and last month we had a garden party for a Shamwow so this is actually much better.”
”How did the Shamwow party go over?” Saskia asked.
“Poorly,” Arizona said, flush with memories of Freja pouring red wine on Valentino’s white pants, then attempting to clean it up with a made for TV yellow rag.
“This does seem better,” Saskia whispered back.
“This iPod mini,” Freja announced, “Is the most cutting edge piece of technology that has been ever entrusted to a model.”
”What about when Shalom’s dress was painted by that robot at Mcqueen?” Karmen Pedaru asked.
“Shalom was assaulted by that robot, it wasn’t entrusted to her,” Freja said, “If you all showed up and I started pelting you with iPod Mini’s, then maybe it would be comparable, but I would never do that. I respect technology too much and I don’t want to be targeted by paint machines in the future. My wardrobe is black for a reason,” Freja explained.
”Did Apple ask you to do this?” Wixson asked, confused by what was happening.
”Yes and no,” Freja responded. “After a night of heavy eBaying, I was visited in a dream by Will Gates.”
”I think you mean Bill Gates,” Karmen Pedaru said.
”Bill Gates is still alive, how could his ghost visit you?” Saskia asked.
”The spirit world is not governed by conventional laws of our terrestrial realm,” Abbey said distantly.
“Exactly. Extraterrestrials created that shit and brought it to us in exchange for human lives,” Charlotte Free said, sitting at the childrens table with that 15 year old that walked for Prada and Ming Xi who would just repeat the last word of everything anyone said, then furrow her eyebrows in a vague expression that showed neither opinion nor comprehension.
“I don’t mean to be a downer,” Mariacarla Boscono said, but everyone knew this would be a downer statement because no one has ever seen Mariacarla smile. “But I have the new iphone 5 with a gorilla glass retina display and a questionable maps program… that’s why I was late today,” Mariacarla stated matter of factly. She held up her phone and Freja marched over to inspect it.
As Freja passed by Ming, Ming held up her iphone 3g that was surrounded in a case with little rubber cat ears, “Kitty,” Ming said. Freja continued until Mariacarla’s shiny iphone and Freja’s scratched ipod mini were next to each other.
”That sucks and is stupid,” Freja said, looking at the iphone 5.
”Ohh, an Android fangirl,” Mariacarla retorted.
”No, she hates androids, didn’t you hear her talk about Mcqueen?” Wixson pointed out.
”It looks like the perfect size to do coke off of,” Abbey added as she admired the iphone 5.
”It looks like like the tool of someone with penis envy,” Freja said.
”Penis envy,” Ming repeated, confused.
”I’m sorry, but that iPod came out in like 2005,” Maricarla said to Freja.
”And so did you,” Arizona said to Mariacarla, defending Freja’s factory refurbished purchase.
”Everything that can do, my phone can do,” Mariacarla snipped, becoming competitive, as iphone 5 users tend to do.
”Yes, but your iphone 5 accepts calls,” Freja said, “Pointless.”
”How is that pointless? It’s a phone.”
”When is the last time any of you called someone on the phone?” Freja questioned.
The party was silent.
“My agent called me to wake me up for this super early 2pm shoot,” Charlotte Free said and Wixson scolded her, “God hurts when you do lies.”
“Wixson is right,” Freja confirmed.
“Wixson right?” Ming repeated and her confusion finally seemed appropriate.
“Yes. Lies are bad and ipod touches are the truth,” Freja declared. “They are skinny and they are beautiful,” Freja admired, holding the iPod Mini upsidedown again. “They are packed with greatness and they work for up to eight hours at a time without needing to recharge their batteries. They’re replaced by newer sleeker versions ever couple years. They don’t accept phone calls and they break easily when dropped,” Freja said, then, finally, it all became clear as Freja’s thesis was spoken, “iPod Mini’s are the fashion models of the technology world.”
”I am ipod,” Ming said and Freja nodded at her, “Yes you are, Ming. Yes you are.”
***NOTE THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENED. THE IPOD MINI IS A GREAT DEVICE, BUT IT’S SERIOUSLY DATED AND I HONESTLY DON’T RECOMMEND YOU PURCHASE ONE. NEITHER DOES FREJA.***
If you liked this piece and you are a literary agent, please contact me to read my manuscripts.