THE FREJARIZONA EPIC CONTINUES.
This is the second part in a two part saga called “Who the Fuck Stole All The Pants?”
Here is a link to the first half of the story. If you don’t want to read it, here is a summary of the first half of the story: Someone stole all the fucking pants.
PART 2 - July 1st 2012
“Okay, I hate pants as much as the next person, assuming the next person has no cellulite,” Abbey Lee explained, “but I’d really like my pants back.”
It was the best of times (because they could look at each other without pants).
It was the worst of times (because all of their pants were designer and you don’t drop two grand on a pair of pants just to have them walk away).
No one said anything, except for Wixson, who was twirling in her table cloth dress, while repeating, “Disney princess, Disney princes, Dizzy princess.”
Freja had been feeling very “evil step sister” lately, and not just because Arizona demanded she play that character during dirty Disney taboo Tuesday fun time. Freja had felt evil step sister-like even back when she had pants. Wixson seemed so sweet in her tablecloth skirt that Freja almost was able to ignore the giant orange juice stain next to Wixson’s butt.
Searching for innocence in a world full of pants thieves, Freja walked over to a table in the corner of the room and pulled the table cloth off like a bull fighter would wave his cape.
Karmen Pedaru immediately let out a shriek. It reminded everyone of The Balmain Incident.
”Oh no, were your antidepressants on the table cloth?” Abbey asked Karmen Pedaru, worried. Karmen Pedaru was speechless. She slowly lifted her finger and pointed toward Freja.
“Don’t try to finger me for this crime!” Freja yelled at Karmen Pedaru.
”Don’t try to finger my girlfriend!” Arizona yelled at Karmen Pedaru.
”No,” Abbey said, her eyes following Karmen Pedaru’s finger, “look, under the table.”
Freja whipped around and found a man in a blue sweater crouched under the table. His location exposed, the man slowly crawled out from his hiding spot.
”Oh my gosh!” Wixson exclaimed, “Why is my dentist here? I’M NOT FILLING MY GAP,” Wixson yells at the man in the blue sweater, then tries to hide behind Abbey, but quickly gives up when she realizes it’s an impossible task.
”That’s not your dentist,” Arizona explained flatly.
”He looks like my dentist mixed with a serial killer,” Karmen Pedaru said.
”I live in the Midwest so it’s safe to assume my dentist is also a serial killer,” Wixson says, unsettled by this man’s presence.
These were not Disney Girl Problems.
“This is Raf Simons,” Arizona announced.
“No offense, but Arizona once told Donatella Versace she, ‘loved her in Mean Girls’ so sorry if I’m a little skeptical of her ID of Raf,” Karmen Peradu says.
“May I remind you that Arizona booked Jil Sander,” Freja says, sticking up for her love. In unison, all of the girls in the room roll their eyes.
Accepting that this is Raf before them, Abbey Lee crosses her bony arms and asks, “Raf Simons, why did you take our fucking pants.”
“Well, as you may know, John Galliano said horrible things,” Raf says.
“Oh no! Did he say the J-Lo cover of Vogue US this year was nice?” Wixson asked, horrified.
“I’ll repeat all the things he sad, but in an accent so you know it’s not me saying these things, but you also will be disgusted with him and I can keep Dior.”
“No thanks,” Arizona says, “That happened like 7 seasons ago. You know, back when we had pants.”
“Yes, that brings this all full circle. I have stolen your pants because I am working on my Dior collection to premiere in mere days and I needed some classic Dior Haute Couture pants.”
“Can you stop?” Karmen Pedaru asks, frustrated to no end.
“Stealing pants? Yes. My collection is complete” Raf says, then waits for applause.
“No I meant can you stop doing Dior,” Karmen Pedaru clarified.
“The world is excited,” Raf announced, then quietly tacked on, “If your view of the world is midly overweight white girls, in front of Macbooks, writing posts about what they deem to be other white people being racist. I am very big in that world.”
The girls disregard Raf and move towards the table, where they collect their pants.
“You don’t understand my genius,” Raf said as the girls put on their pants, “I made Kinga cry at my last Jil show.”
“Um, yeah,” Karmen Pedaru said, “That was because Kinga’s neighbor, who was like a public school social studies teacher, passed away two weeks before the show and then she saw you and she through you were his ghost. She was scared shitless, she told me.”
Raf then waved half heartedly at seemingly no one.
The girls had their pants on, and this is when Raf went from neighborhood dentist to serial killer. “You’re not leaving with those pants,” he growled.
Wixson almost started crying, but she didn’t want to ruin her fun makeup.
Just then, the building began to rumble and the door flew open.
A bright light sent everyones hands up to sheild their eyes.
“Hello!” a creepy, distinct voice said. Freja and Arizona lowered their hands. Could it be?
“Yes, it is me, John Galliano,” a man dressed like a pirate atop a unicorn said.
“Hop on,” John Galliano said and the girls helped each other on the mighty unicorn.
“I’ll never let you escape with what’s mine, like I escaped with what’s yours!” Raf Simons said to John Galliano, then he wheeled his Dior collection out and everyone went to sleep.
Days later, Raf debuted the stolen ordinary pants in his first Dior Haute Couture collection and it received universal acclaim in the circles of tumblr and boring pussies with no imagination.
***NOTE THIS IS FAKE. THIS IS IMAGINARY. THIS SHIT DID NOT HAPPEN****
*except the Galliano on a unicorn part.
If you’re a literary agent and you want to read any of my fiction manuscripts, please contact me.